He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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