I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
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She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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