We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
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If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can't put those talents on a resume
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
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Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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