I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
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I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
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He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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