all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
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She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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