I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
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You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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