The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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