I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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