my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
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I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
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Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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