nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize