I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
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Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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