he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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