Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
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Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
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They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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