I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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