The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
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There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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