Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
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I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
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Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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