I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
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We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
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I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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