i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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