I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
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I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
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I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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