woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
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im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
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We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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