I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
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I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
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On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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