Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
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I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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