Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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