You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize