My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
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I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
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Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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