why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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