dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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