You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
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No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
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Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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