apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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