im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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