Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
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My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The air was thick with penises
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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