so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
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I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
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she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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