Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
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Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
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I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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