6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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