I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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