tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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