The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
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he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
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I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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