I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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