I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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