This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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