True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
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her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
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I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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