i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
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shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
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I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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