Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
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Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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