I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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