There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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