if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
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I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
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Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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