she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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