I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
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I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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