I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
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who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
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DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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