who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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